sweetgrass

"Are you ready to go to the store, baby?"

I chatter with Michael as we get ready to go run our errands. I hold him on my hip. I push all of the carseat straps out of the way and straighten out his clothes so there won't be any uncomfortable bunching during the ride. He listens intently, smiles sweetly. He pats my face. What an angel. 

I lift him into the Jeep, bending him at the waist so as not to bump his head or entangle his feet in the seatbelt. I gently lower him into he carseat and...he arches his back and howls like there's a fire under his bottom. 

His hat slides down over his face and his jacket twists around him. He marches in place for a moment and the carseat straps end up right where he is going to be sitting. I keep my cool. I tell him it's time to buckle up because we have to be safe while we're in the car. I manage to pry the straps out from under him and fold him at the hips to sit him down in his seat but in the struggle he ends up sitting crooked in the chair. 

Now he goes limp. He is 18+ pounds of completely dead weight as I try to position him correctly in the chair. As I put one of his arms through the strap he leans forward, and with the free hand he un-velcros and removes one of his shoes. I tell him we have to leave our shoes on because it's cold outside. I put the shoe back on and he has gotten his arm back out of the strap. I can't decide if it's more funny or infuriating and I laugh through gritted teeth.

I manage to get both straps over his shoulders but they are too tight to snap. That's because in the melee they have become twisted. Michael clamps his mouth shut and makes sounds like a threatened cat. I untwist the straps and snap them in place.

He sneezes and an outrageous amount of snot gets all over him and the carseat straps. I reach into the front seat for a wipe and when I turn around he has again removed his shoe. I clean up the snot, put the shoe back on, finish buckling him in, and apologize for torturing him in this grizzly manner. I give him his sippy cup and a toy. He promptly throws both of them out of the carseat. The sippy cup lands on the ground in a puddle of I-don't-know-what. I bend down to pick it up and when I stand up I whack my head on the open car door.

At this point I really need to take a deep breath and calm down. I'm sure I must look like a crazy woman. My face is contorted with a mix of anger, laughter, pain, and frustration. I'm talking out loud to myself as I close Michael's door and turn to walk around to my side.

And that's when I see my neighbor sitting in her car watching us and laughing. 

We've been at it for about ten minutes and she has been watching the whole time. 

True story.

~linking up with Monday Mom Musings~