Samuel Randall

He's here! Little Sam surprised us and arrived three weeks early on August 18th at 8:09 pm.

He was a tiny little thing - 7lbs 5oz and 20 inches - born healthy, strong, and screaming mad.

It's been the most overwhelming blessing to watch our family of three expand to four.

All three of us love him to pieces.

36 weeks and dating my Michael

Friday morning I woke up to my weekly pregnancy update on my phone:

Congratulations! You are 36 weeks (9 months) pregnant!

Even when you feel 9 months pregnant it's a little shocking to see it in print like that. Over the last couple of weeks I've been doing a great job of nesting and checking to-dos off my list, but I haven't been appreciating these last days alone with Michael as much as I should. So, I decided we'd go on a date that morning - no errands, no chores, just me and Michael doing things he loves. 

When the heat index is 108* (as it has been here for nearly a week), nothing sounds as good to me as the nice cold mall. It probably wouldn't have been Michael's first choice, but on this particular day I decided we'd go to the fancy mall - the one with a carousel, and a pet store, and a Disney store, and fountains and a giant fish tank - so I knew he'd be happy. Also, I had birthday money from my parents burning a hole in my pocket, and the fancy mall has the closest Anthro, so that settled it. We put on our fancy mall clothes and off we went. 

We were only there for two hours, and I didn't buy Michael anything but a pinkberry, but we had a great time. He took his sweet time and chose just the right animal to ride on the carousel (a frog). We spent 45 minutes at the pet store - Michael chattering away to the birds and rabbits, both of us fawning over a feisty little pup who looked just like my childhood pup, Patty. We tested the entire line of Toy Story toys at the Disney store very thoroughly. We shared our first pinkberry - good! - and rode the elevators. Michael ran along beside the stroller most of the time. I didn't rush him or direct him too much, I just kept snapping pictures and taking in his happiness.

Once we were back home I started to feel a little sad that this chapter is coming to an end. Most of the time I'm so focused on what's ahead with the new baby, I only feel excitement. But our morning together was so sweet and fun, and Michael has been my little sidekick for so long now, the realization that change was right around the corner made my stomach turn. Then I remembered that when I was a girl (in a family with four children) my Dad made time to do special dates with each of us. I loved those dates and they always made me feel so special. They were never fancy or expensive dates, but I got to choose what we did and the emphasis was on spending time together - going to the beach and taking pictures, going to an art museum, and going to the movies stand out as some of my favorite memories. 

So, instead of feeling sad I've made a resolution to start having regular dates with Michael. I'm hoping Tim and I can each have one special date with him per month - no baby brother, no pressure to get things done, no agenda - just enjoying some one-on-one time and letting Michael's happiness be our guide. It's such a simple concept, but one that gets lost in the day-to-day bustle far too easily. 

Three things

...about this pregnancy.

1. The first three months were rough. I found out I was pregnant at about 5 weeks. A few days later I started feeling really sick and tired. I never actually "got sick", but for the first three months I felt like I was getting over a bout of bad food poisoning - weak, sleepy, and nauseated by most foods. I lived on lots of cereal and clementine oranges and naps during that stage. And then, at 12 weeks I felt better! It was amazing how quickly it changed, and such a relief! I still don't want meat very much, but I've had lots of other (mostly sweet) cravings: peaches, ice tea, s'mores (with peanut butter), ice cream, strawberries, milk, hummus and greek salad, pizza, and popsicles.

2. It's possible that my memory is fuzzy, but this baby seems a lot more active than Michael was. I felt the first kicks at 15 weeks and they were strong! Ever since then, this little guy has been flipping and rolling and kicking almost constantly. I'm so interested (and a little scared) to see how his energy level compares with Michael. I thought Michael was active, but I think this one might keep me even more on my toes....

3. Once those first few yucky months were over, this pregnancy flew by. We've still got 9 weeks to go, and I can feel time slowing down a little bit, but overall I can't believe how quickly it has passed! I'm so thankful that the baby and I are healthy, and I'm thankful that I have Michael to keep me distracted from the countdown. I'm so excited to meet this little man and cover his sweet face with kisses.

A big brother for bun

22 weeks

My pregnancy app tells me that at the end of this week I'll be six months pregnant (six months!) and I have yet to write a true pregnancy post about this sweet little nugget on the way. I could feel guilty about this - I want to celebrate every checkup, every kick in my tummy, every craving and every little thing that makes this pregnancy special as I did with Michael - but I don't feel guilty. Not at all. I'm pouring myself into my first baby right now.

I've been praying and, at times, hanging on by a thread through these "terrible twos" (which actually started around 20 months) and I think we're finally emerging on the other side. God heard my exasperated prayers for patience and guidance and whatever it was that Michael needed. And after a while when I didn't know what else to pray for I just hugged him, and loved him, and let him cling to me and push other people away for a while. I stopped trying to force Michael to grow out of that phase, and loved him through it instead. Then, one day after months of him refusing to talk to strangers without getting upset, he struck up a conversation with a woman in the grocery store, grinning and telling her about "fishies". A few days later at church, he ran through the door into Bible class without me and didn't look back. He started playing pretend games with his Dad in the evenings that didn't include me. Just like that, a piece of the terrible twos was over.

Just like when he finally started sleeping through the night, and when he stopped nursing - he did it when he was ready. I couldn't make it happen, and I couldn't have predicted when it would happen. And, I'm sure there will still be rocky times ahead, but he's ready and he has let go of me a little bit more. Where once there was a timid, demanding, clingy toddler, now there is a happy, confident, independent, funny, loving little boy. Just the kind of kid who is meant to be a big brother. Just the kind of big brother I want for our second baby.

So I'm going to keep covering him in love and attention and adventures outside and trips to the zoo and all the things that make him come alive with excitement. I'm going to build him up as strong as I can for all of the changes that will come with the arrival of his little brother. There probably won't be a lot of blog posts or an elaborate baby book awaiting this baby when he is born, but he will have a big brother ready and waiting to love him. And he will have a mama who is just a little more peaceful, a little more sure of herself than she was the first time around.

Mother's Day - 23 weeks

~linking up with Jellibean Journals~

space for our little man

crib / striped crib sheet / solar system print / rocker / name print / throw / skwish toy

I'll be 21 weeks along tomorrow (!) and this baby is starting to really make his presence known. My belly is growing (so much more quickly than with Michael!) and he is kicking and moving almost constantly, it seems. Sometimes, during the moments when I forget that I'm pregnant, Michael will come to me and ask to kiss the "baby in the tummy", which makes me melt, and gets me thinking that it won't be long at all until he's really here! Then, on Monday we had our 20 week ultrasound and we got to spend 15 blissful minutes looking in on our little guy, watching him kick and move, and falling in love with his precious little profile. Suddenly, it's time to start putting together a room for this boy!

We'll reuse the rocker and the crib (and the changing table) from Michael's room. (He'll be moving up to a real big-boy bed soon.) The walls in the nursery will be white, so I'm thinking of painting the crib a light grey to add a little contrast. I wanted to bring some yellow into the room and when I found this soft throw at Target I picked it right up. The solar system print isn't something I would have planned to put in a nursery, but it seems like just the kind of picture an infant will love to look at, and I love the colors, so the print has been ordered and is on its way. That isn't the name we've chosen (cute, though!), but I love the font and the colors in this name print, so I plan to order one once we've settled on a name. I'm still on the lookout for an attractive, affordable window treatment for the room, but I feel like we're on our way to having a special spot ready for this little boy.
I already can't wait to meet him.

(Here's his sweet profile, in case you wanted to have a look :)

little princess

lotus flower light / moses basket / print / sleeper / romper

As soon as we found out we were expecting I started pinning for the little one. I didn't realize how many sweet, girly things I had pinned until we found out we were having a boy. We're thrilled to add another little man to the family, but it's kind of sad to erase all the pretty pink from my pinboard. 

So, I thought I'd share some of it here! How gorgeous is that lotus flower night light?

There's a little one on the way!

A brother for Michael. Another precious boy for us to love.

I can't think of anything sweeter.

Little things

I pinned this almost a year ago with the caption 'note to self'. 

At the time I had an infant and I was in the throes of the most disorienting year of my life: no longer working outside the home, missing my friends and colleagues, sleep-deprived, adjusting my expectations about life with a baby, trying to build relationships with other stay-at-home-moms, adjusting to the changes in my relationship with my husband, overwhelmed with love and adoration for my baby, and sleep-deprived, sleep-deprived, sleep-deprived. 

Even in that fog where everything was so unfamiliar, I knew this statement was true. And it helped me remember that those baby days would pass. I pinned it to remind myself to stop dwelling on the things I wanted to accomplish, and find joy in the quiet (or not-so-quiet) everyday moments with Michael. The short fuzzy hair right above his forehead. The way he cooed at us in the mornings. How it felt to hold him and nurse him to sleep. The way he grinned when Tim tossed him into the air. How he smelled like soap and baby cereal when we put him to bed at night. Even during all those months when I didn't write a single blog post, I took pictures to remind me of those precious things I wanted to remember. And I still do that, especially when the days are long and my patience runs short. 

Today I enjoyed the way he wakes up all warm and snuggly from his nap, calling for Ella. The way he devours his yogurt and dips his crackers in peanut butter. The way he tries not to smile when I take his picture. The way he holds his finger in the air and scolds Ella for barking, and how she waits patiently next to his chair, confident that the food will fall. Our routine of eating and talking, cleaning up, then running off to play again. They are little things, but they're the things I want to remember when these toddler days have passed.

~ linking up with picture me {im}perfectly and monday mom musings~

I've never liked looking back. I've always preferred to focus on the future. The possibilities of what lies ahead make me happy, so putting the past behind me is usually easy. But I'm a mom now, and sometimes I feel like I live in the past, present, and future all at once. Sometimes it's impossible not to look back. 

At 13 months old, I'm finally weaning Michael. I had planned to stop nursing him by the time he was a year old. But when he was 11 months old we moved. When he was 11 1/2 months old we changed locations again. And when he was 12 months old we moved again. So I kept putting it off to give him some consistency and to ease the transition for all of us. But it's finally time. And my heart is breaking. 

I never expected to like breastfeeding. In fact, if it wasn't so highly recommended by physicians I probably wouldn't have done it, but I felt like I should at least give it a try. Then, he was born and from the very first time I nursed him he loved it. He was instantly peaceful and happy. It usually put him straight to sleep. I could calm him at any time. Sick, hurt, scared, tired, cold, hungry, day or night - I had the solution for all of it and it was fantastic. I wasn't born a nurturer, but in an instant I learned the joy of giving this helpless creature what he couldn't give himself. Nursing him was like giving the most fantastic mama-hug I could possibly give. And I got to look at him and feel him breathing and smell his sweet smell the whole time. I loved it.

I'm not trying to rewrite history here. There were plenty of struggles along the way. There were the usual discomforts for me. There were many nights spent mostly sitting up nursing, crying and praying that he would just sleep for a few hours without needing me. I had planned to do regular per diem work on weekends at the hospital where I had worked previously, but Michael wouldn't take a bottle and consequently I was only able to work for 3 or 4 hours at a time. I gave what seemed like every minute day and night, making myself available to nurse this baby, and now it was taking over the small scrap of what was left of my professional life. I felt tied down, and then I felt guilty when I needed to get away sometimes. The sheer pressure of someone needing me that much was overwhelming.

Sometimes I felt pushed to my limit. But all I had to do was think about weaning him, and I would find the strength to continue. I just couldn't imagine voluntarily cutting that bond with my baby. Not when it brought him so much comfort. Not when so many other mothers struggled to nurse. Not when it connected us. I was grateful and I didn't want to let it go.

Months passed, and we settled into a comfortable nursing and sleeping pattern. By the time he was 9 months old he even started sleeping through the night sometimes. And for the last several months that is where we've been - he would nurse four times during the day and sleep through the night. And I could do that forever. 

Except he's not a baby anymore. So we're moving on. 

Instead of nursing him to sleep I hold him and rock him and sing 'You are my Sunshine'. Instead of praying while I nurse my baby, I pray while I hug my little boy. He puts his sweet head on my shoulder and wraps his arms around me and sometimes he pats my back. A glimpse of all the hugs I will get from him in the future. That makes my heart happy. But a piece of me will always dwell in the past too. As I sing I feel the weight of his little toddler body in my arms and my voice breaks every time.

Sometimes life with this guy is so sweet I can't believe it. 

I'm so blessed and so very thankful.

...about Michael.

The boy loves food. *All food. And he'll try anything.
This amazes me because until I got to college I never tried new foods. New foods terrified and disgusted me.
But not this kid. He's fearless. Or maybe he's just that hungry.

*One exception is broccoli. But then, who really likes broccoli?

He loves other kids. It doesn't matter if they're young or old, male or female, playing quietly or engaged in a rough game of soccer. If there are little people around, he wants to interact and he will walk right up (no awareness of social boundaries at all) and either stare or get right into the action. These days he seems to be putting a lot of his energy into trying to run. 

I think he's mainly motivated by his desire to keep up with other kids and dogs.

A couple of weeks ago I started counting things with Michael in the voice of the Count from Sesame Street. ("One...two...three...three Cheerios! Ah-ah-ah-ah!") He started imitating the "ah-ah-ah-ah" laugh whenever we would count things, and now he does it all the time and in the funniest (wrong) contexts. Like, I'll hand him a toy to play with in his carseat and if he doesn't want it he'll throw it down and do the Count laugh, "ah-ah-ah-ah!" And today when he woke up from his nap, he didn't cry or babble. He just stood in his crib doing the Count laugh until I came in to get him up.

My baby turned one

(thanks to my amazing brother for this photo and the one below)

Today Michael is one year old. We spent the day traveling (we're back in the Northeast for a few months, for anyone keeping track) but on Saturday we celebrated with family and friends in Austin. There was barbecue, cake, kids running around playing, lots of catching up and giving hugs and picture-taking. It was a really special day. We celebrated this happy, healthy little character and he loved every bit of the attention (see above).  

He also loved every bit of the cake. (Good cake makes my toes curl too.)

(thank you, Dad, for this shot)

After a quick mid-party bath he opened presents in his diaper and played until he dropped.

Because when you're one you can do that, and it's just plain cute.

A year in photos

On Monday Michael will be one year old. 

My, how the time flies.

**************

(mama flaked on month eight - this will bug me forever)

A baby in the bluebonnets

What makes him mine

I spend all of my days (and sometimes my nights) with Michael. He gets the best of my energy, my humor, my work, my play, my kindness, my patience...my everything. And although I know he is mine - I carried him for 38 weeks, after all, and I gave birth to him - I don't really feel like he's mine mine. That is to say, I don't feel like I can take credit for who he is and I definitely don't feel ownership of him. Most of the time I'm kind of in awe of him.

Where did this little spark of life come from??

Why were we chosen to be his parents?

How can I possibly be up to the task of being mom to such an amazing creation?

Well, I know the answer to the first question. I believe with all my heart that God put this little person together. Every single molecule of him. But that doesn't make it any less astonishing when he catches on to a joke, or shares his snack with me, or dances to a song, or points to a cow and says "mooooo". The other questions are harder because I believe that God put our family together on purpose. This is no accident - God meant for Michael to be with us. And I believe that when God gives great blessings, He expects much in return. The magnitude of the responsibility is just huge. It makes me tremble.

These thoughts live in my head every single day, so this sweet post over at rockstar diaries really hit home with me. It's nice to know I'm not the only mama who feels "unworthy of the task", but it also got me thinking about what makes Michael mine - what makes any child belong to any parent. I'm so thankful that I carried Michael and gave birth to him, but I've arrived at this conclusion:

Even more than the shared DNA, or the pregnancy, or the birth story, 
Michael is mine because I love him.

He's mine because I give him my energy, my humor, my work, my play, and so on. He's mine because I know which sippy cup is his favorite. Because I do the animal sounds that make him laugh. Because I recognize the first traces of words in his babbling and because I cheer when he lets go of the furniture and walks across the room. Because I know how he likes to have his back scratched, and how he likes to be held when he falls asleep. Because I'm there when he's sad, scared, tired, frustrated, happy, excited, curious, hyper, and ornery.

He's mine because I love him. 

And I pray that love makes me worthy of the task. 

11 months old

point. clap. wink. totter.

moo. meow. howl. sing. dance. babble.

laugh. share. hum to sleep.

We love you so much, baby! xoxo

Happy weekend!

It's been a banner week.

It got sunny and the crocuses popped up!

...and Michael started walking!

It's so funny - we've been waiting and waiting for him to do it.

Then, yesterday, he just decided it was time.

We've been joking that he must have been feeling saucy because he was wearing his Austin t-shirt :)

We're slowly making arrangements for our move to Texas - cleaning out, donating, packing, shipping, etc. I'm looking forward to more of the same this weekend. I know at some point I will be overwhelmed by this move, but right now I'm just thankful to be going home with my little family. 

I keep thinking about how I felt last year at this time. I was so happy and so excited to meet our little boy. The whole world seemed bright and fresh and like it was opening up for the first time, just to welcome our son. Here we are again on the brink of spring, and again it is so  beautiful and filled with the promise of God's good blessings.

  My cup overflows.

Have a wonderful weekend, friends! xoxo

Yogurt time

The sun was shining.

We were eating yogurt.

Florence and the Machine was playing loud.

That's a party around here. You can see why we had to take some pictures.

Just another afternoon with this little guy :)

Did you happen to read this post by Kelle at enjoying the small things? So many of the things she writes about strike a chord with me. This post - about celebrating with friends as they welcome new life - has me smiling through tears. (Again! That happens a lot when I read her blog!) 

My family is expectantly awaiting some new additions. My brother and his wife are due to have a daughter in June. It's a joyful time. We just can't wait to cover that little girl in kisses! But there is pain too. We are still grieving the loss of their first daughter, Maggie, last May and a miscarriage in July. My sister and her husband are expecting too. They are completing the process of becoming foster parents, with the intention of adopting the children who come into their home. More cause for excitement and happiness, but it is bittersweet too. I believe that God has a plan to bring just the right children into their family, but we know that these little ones will likely come from a past filled with pain and brokenness. 

There will be heartache along with happiness.

There will be many more tears along the way for my brother and his wife, for my sister and her husband, and for all of us, as we support them on their journeys. Kelle's post reminded me of how important it is to be there. To be the village that helps raise a child and support the parents. Her post reminded me, above all, to celebrate. Because, although it is never easy, every little one is so very precious. She writes:

"Having a baby is a life-changing, soul-stretching, glorious occassion, and if there's one opportunity to deepen a friendship, it's rallying to celebrate the miracle of birth, the triumph of adoption, the undeniable fact that having your heart stretched with love for a new child is a very, very big deal.

Someday, several years from now, my friends and I will gather for coffee, and we'll talk about our kids' college applications. How much car insurance costs for teenagers. How we love our daughter's boyfriend (Oh God, I hope). But we'll remember that the depth of our cherished friendships began when we showed up long ago. When we held out our arms to hold eachothers' babies for the very first time. When we made mothering an infant seem a little less isolating because we stopped by, we brought meals, we rocked and kissed those newborns and we celebrated.

Because it takes a village."

Stephen, Joy, Vanessa, Grant - we love you and we already love your children, too.

xoxo

We went out to play

I know it's blurry, but I love this picture. 

He has done a lot of this in the last couple weeks - walking around our little condo, pushing his car and smiling proudly, his valentine balloon bobbing along. There's not much space but he has a great time. 

I've been dying to take him outside and turn him loose in the fresh air, and yesterday we had our chance. It was even better than I thought it would be.

He took off with a big grin and didn't look back.

He noticed everything. Pinecones, leaves, the wind in the trees. 

He showed it all to me, pointing with his tiny little finger.

After a little while he got tired and started to sag a little bit.

I offered him short rides on his car, and he accepted grudgingly. He seemed to think that rides on the car are for sissies, and real babies stand up and push the car.

I still can't believe how cool this kid is.

I've never had so much fun going out to play.